Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
