kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
