ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
