ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Boobs speak an international language.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
