If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
