you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
