It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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