it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
