She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Randomize
