yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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