i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Randomize
