I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
