man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
and she was petting her beer can
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
