try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
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