WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
