You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
