he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
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