I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
We are all done wearing pants today
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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