i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
