Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
