Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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