uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
