Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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