he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
