I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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