You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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