How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
