You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Still dying that you shit outside
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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