dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Randomize
