he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Randomize
