We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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