He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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