I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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