I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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