Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
