My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
