I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
