I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
i dont even know how to be here
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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