I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
