So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
