She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
