i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
