I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
