Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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