my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
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