The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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