update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
