It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
