I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
