I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
