right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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