Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
