i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
