i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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