I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
