Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Randomize
