Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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