I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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