she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
