my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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