We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
