My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
