sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
